The Golden Legolas
by Ebony Nemesis
Summary: Set in the great and glamorous Trondor, this is the story about a beautiful queen whose face launched a thousand ships and the apple, I'm so sorry, elf who caused all this chaos.The Golden Legolas.
1. Prologue

Prologue  
  
"I'm bored." Pippin Took, god of mischief, yawned.  
  
"Would you shut up and go away?" Gimli, god of iron and metals and forging of weapons snapped. He looked up at the slightly taller god. "Go find someone else to amuse your self with. How about that winged messenger of Elrond the god of Lightning and Thunder? Bill" (everybody remember Bill the pony? Who was a great friend of Sam?)  
  
"God he's just as boring as. everyone else." Pippin whined. Then his eyes diverted and he stared upon something at Gimli's feet "Look! There is a piece of True Silver!"  
  
Gimli picked it up and looked at it, but it was snatched off his hand by the mischievous god. "I found it. So I get to keep it."  
  
Gimli tried to snatch it back, but his height was a MAJOR disadvantage to him. "Hey!"  
  
Meanwhile the mischievous Pippin had just found the best way to break free from boredom. "I would let you have it on one condition."  
  
"What?"  
  
"You sculpt it into anything I want." Pippin sniggered, "and in this case I want."  
  
So the poor son of Gloin was set to work making the most troublesome thing. I mean creature ever.  
  
Just then the three most beautiful goddesses walked past, and saw the just finished Legolas emerge from Gimli's place, and at once lunged for him.  
  
They found him carrying a piece of paper. "I am dedicated to the fairest."  
  
Rei, the Goddess of Wisdom (come on, who are we kidding?), grabbed Legolas's left arm and pulled. "I WANT him!" She shouted, sounding like an idiot.  
  
Alexa, the Goddess of Marriage, and birth (snigger) and the almighty queen grabbed Legolas's right arm and pulled him. "Hey! I saw him FIRST!"  
  
Olly, the Goddess of love and beauty (rotflmao) grabbed Legolas around the waist and bear hugged him. "Back off guys! He's MINE!"  
  
For a moment lightning sparks flew between the eyes of all three goddesses, then all of them forgot Legolas and was in a pile cat fighting.  
  
Just as things were getting (very) out of control, the great and mighty Elrond, God of Thunder (voice) and Lightning (temper) appeared. "WHAT IS THIS FOLLY?" he boomed.  
  
(We give one minute of silence of all the glasses that shattered that day due to the sound of booming *count 60 sec*)  
  
All 3 pairs of eyes looked up, uh, excuse me, all 5 eyes looked up. For apparently, Alexa is missing an eye, and is desperately trying to get it from underneath Rei's hand which seemed to be out of joint, and Olly was busy applying extra facial cream on her very ugly scratches on her face.  
  
"Who did this and who the heck is HE?" Elrond frowned. He was getting quite sick of the faces of the three most *beautiful* goddesses on Mt Olympendell. He was really having second thoughts on this statement.  
  
"He's MINE!" All three *beautiful* goddess shouted and lunged for Legolas. To their surprise Legolas got out of their way.  
  
"Hello Lord Elrond." Elrond's face calmed down and was instantly grinning like an idiot.  
  
"Yes."  
  
"Legolas." Legolas replied. "Do you think my hair is ok?" he touched his quicksilver like blond hair.  
  
All the *beautiful* goddesses fainted in that moment.  
  
"It's fine Legolas." Elrond was still grinning like an idiot.  
  
"Do you think this scent is.nice?"  
  
All three *beautiful* goddesses are now withering on the ground with hearts for their eyes.  
  
"It's great Legolas." Elrond was *still* grinning like an idiot.  
  
"Do you think I lack anything to become. perfect?"  
  
"A girlfriend." Elrond suddenly snapped back to the god of thunder voice and lightning temper. "Definitely a girlfriend."  
  
"ME!" all three *beautiful* goddesses jumped up and stood (or tried to stand) as beautifully as possible.  
  
Legolas grabbed Rei's hand and pulled her up beside him and looked into the lake in Mt Olympendell. "Like this?"  
  
All three other gods and goddesses looked at the (very unlikely) couple. " .Nah."  
  
"What about this?" Legolas grabbed Alexa beside him.  
  
"No!" Elrond said. "That's my wife you're taking." Alexa puked.  
  
"How about this?" Legolas grabbed Olly.  
  
".Nah."  
  
Suddenly two pearly tears fell from Legolas's eyes. "Oh I am doomed." He threw his hands up into the air and thus pushing Olly into the lake by accident. "I shall never become the perfect male!"  
  
"Child," Elrond took Legolas's hands and said, "there is one you could ask to find out."  
  
"Who?"  
  
"In the land of Trondor. There lives a very. um. 'charming' I might say prince called Aragorn, he could probably give you the answer."  
  
"Aragorn of Trondor, Here I come!" Legolas said and grabbed Bill the winged messenger of Elrond to fly down to the land of Trondor.  
  
The three Goddesses froze for a moment, then all rushed back to restore themselves to their true beauty. And went down to follow Bill the winged messenger of Elrond the Thunder voice and lightning temper who carried Legolas, the golden one.  
  
EN Notes: ok, if the font stuffs up, tell me.  
  
I must mention a special thanks to Nova-Mist who beta-read this fiction for me.  
  
Also, my friends who are mentioned in this fiction, if any of you are reading. please don't kill me, I DID ask your permission before putting you in here.  
  
Anyway, PLEASE review. especially if you are in this fiction. 


	2. Aragorn's Story

Chapter 1 Aragorn's story  
  
It was hot, a bit too hot. I was in my father's palace tasting all kinds of wine that Bilbo, the god of wine has ever made. Suddenly Sarah burst through the door and grabbed me across the waist "Oh thank god you are here!"  
  
I tried to get free, but my *seemingly* frail sister's (wake UP Aragorn!) arms suddenly turned into iron bars. "Sarah!"  
  
"Oh brother, whatever you do, don't you DARE go to that temple of Rei!" She said, while whacking my head with one of her hands. "Or I'll kill you, before you actually die that is."  
  
"What?" Hello and get introduced to my sister, the extra talented and smart (?) one who is gifted by the gift of prophesy by Galadriel, the Goddess of Hearth. Though outrageous and unbelievable at times (don't you mean *all* the time Aragorn?), she proved to be right all the time.  
  
"I had a vision brother, I saw 1000 ship sailing towards Trondor, I saw Celeborn dead and being dragged around by a dark horse. And I saw a woman, she was so beautiful and brilliant that all men fell upon her feet, she was strangled on an island, and you were leaving her behind. And I saw myself, being dragged by a strong man, I could feel the bruise! Then the three goddesses were there, and you were kneeling in front of them, a blond was lying unconscious."  
  
"You aren't making any sense Sarah." I raised my eyebrow, much as I love my little sister, she could get really frustrating.  
  
"But. oh well, the only one who understands me is Celeborn, I don't expect you to comprehend me.(how about I don't expect ANYONE to.) but please, stay away from the temple of Rei!"  
  
"'Tis not any festival, why would I be going to the temple anyway?" suddenly I felt all her weight leaned onto me. (Trust Sarah to faint at a time such as this.) I shook her. "Sarah?"  
  
Celeborn walked into the room, he was the golden one, his hair fair (don't you mean PALE Aragorn?) and his eyes gray, his body lean and fit (cough, cough). "What mischief are you up to now Aragorn? What have you done to poor Sarah?"  
  
Our father supposedly has had 50 or so sons, yet only two remain by his side- my brother and I. He is said to have more than 30 daughters, yet only one remains, Sarah. The fact that our father has had more than 15 wives are well known, yet only one remains by his side. The legend that we have to compete to be the heir is a lie (wake UP Aragorn!). There is practically no one around than the five of us.  
  
Mother is an immortal being, though she is too fragile and weak to be a god, she is gifted with the beauty of one. My sister and I inherited my mother's hair, brown and wavy. And my brother and I inherited my father's eyes and luckily not his body (yes you did, or why would you be a man?).  
  
Despite to the fact that Celeborn is the closest brother, we dislike each other very much. I never liked his way of "violence solves everything" manner of a warrior (well what about your 'brainless way solves everything' Aragorn?), and he always envied me of my looks and my way on ladies. (PUKE!)  
  
"Nothing my brother, absolutely nothing." I felt Sarah stir in my arms. (Old cliché.)  
  
"You are summoned to the temple of Rei by the priestess Joy, it seems very important for she when she came to inform me, she was gray with fear."  
  
'NO!" Sarah came back to earth, stood up and clung to my sleeve like a drowning person to a piece of driftwood. "You must not Aragorn! You will bring destruction to the city!"  
  
I was furious all for a sudden (Elrond's doing) "Are you cursing me sister?"  
  
"How could you say such awful words to me?" Sarah let go of my sleeve, no she didn't! God that little fiend ripped my favorite tunic (HEY watch your language!). "My moral rules (?) Forbids me to do such merciless act! You know that Aragorn!"  
  
I swung my sleeve, I mean, my sleeveless arm at her, turned about and walked straight towards the temple of Rei.  
  
"NO!" Sarah wailed. (Dramatic music) she fell forward and grabbed the hem of my tunic. "NO! You are walking into the destruction of all of us! "  
  
I untangled her hand from my tunic and walked out briskly, looking straight ahead.  
  
But I know my sister's wails would haunt me for the rest of my life. (Yeah, I agree with you.) 


	3. Joy's Story

Chapter 2, Joy's Story  
  
I backed away in fear. The goddesses only looked curiously at me. Rei tilted her perfect face and questioned me, her voice divine and smooth like water. "Tell me, my priestess, have you seen a beautiful golden elf walk in here lately?"  
  
I shook my head furiously. A beautiful youth just came in a while ago, and he asked to see Aragorn. Why anybody want to see that body with no brains is beyond me, but when he showed me his winged horse and claimed it was his was where I really lost it. I ran straight to the palace, I didn't see prince Aragorn though, but I did tell Prince Celeborn to send the message through.  
  
I am no fool like the young Prince Aragorn, I know a god when I see it, and that youth was definitely NOT normal. Then when I arrived back here I saw these three .beings.  
  
(I will not fall into cliché again and describe Aphrodite (Olly) Athena (Rei) or Hera (Alexa) again.)  
  
I recognized Rei in an instant, since I always looked upon her face in prayer. The fact that really freaked me out was that they weren't as tall as I thought they would be. Rei, the tallest of them all, is only about six feet.  
  
Just then the prince Aragorn came in, he somehow was missing a sleeve and his tunic seemed very stretched. Nevertheless all of us Trondorians know Prince Aragorn when he was about, he was the charmer, as the ladies called it, as opposing to his brother, the warrior.  
  
Aragorn looked up at the three goddesses and frowned. "May I care to know your ladies' names?"  
  
LADIES? Is this guy an idiot or what! Ladies! Do ANY ladies have HALO on them (they have HALOS on them?) ? Great Goddess hadn't he at least seen ONE picture of Rei, or Olly, or Alexa?  
  
Olly frowned, "YOU."  
  
Her voice was so loud we had to hold onto the poles in order not to be blown away.  
  
Aragorn apologized. "Oh I'm so sorry." FINALLY! I sighed. "Uh. ok, you are a bit tense on your.um. subjects." And you are a bit thick on all subjects, I added silently. "Now, where was that priestess who asked to see me?"  
  
I was seriously beginning to doubt the royal family. Prince Celeborn was obviously Mr. All-muscles-and-no-brain and looks like Prince Aragorn is Mr. No-muscles-and-no-brain. How stupid could a person get to speak to someone else in front of the three divine GODDESSES? And I don't think he knows about the goddesses either.  
  
Just then the stunning stranger came out of the chambers, all refreshed and clothed. (Need I to say the fact that he was. uncovered shall we say when he came to Joy?) To my horror all three goddesses lunged at him, their golden light blinding me for a second, and then to my surprise, they were practically yanking the stranger back and forth! (What do you expect Joy? They are REI, ALEXA, and OLLY for god's sake, and this is LEGOLAS we're talking about!)  
  
I stared at the scene, dumbfounded. The three most beautiful goddesses were apparently holding onto a young man that seems so delicate that he appears to be made of silver. (DUH!) What was even more amazing was that all the goddesses somehow lost their majesty and dignity and started fighting.  
  
"LET GO OLLY!" the goddess of wisdom shouted.  
  
"Why should I?" The goddess of love whined. "Let go yourself."  
  
"I reckon you two should both let go so I could have him!" Alexa, the great mother shouted.  
  
"You?" Rei snared. "You've already got a husband you two-timer."  
  
"Oh YEAH! How about you, huh? Don't you already have that warrior prince guy called Sauron back there in Greece?"  
  
"You two!" Olly whined again, "stop fighting, it's not beautiful!"  
  
"What ever!"  
  
"Excuse me." the blond said, "can you please let go of me? You're ruining my hair."  
  
I stepped in then, Elrond knows how three goddesses could act so childish and immature (I wonder I wonder). But I was sympathetic for the stranger and wanted to help. So I sneaked between all of them and grabbed the stranger and pulled him out from between the goddesses.  
  
The three divine goddesses have completely forgotten the fact that the stranger was not there and continued fighting. An amazing sight, for all three had divine powers and soon Rei's temple (I want one as well!) was completely destroyed.  
  
It took a complete 5 minutes for Rei to realize that. She abruptly stepped away from the other two and wailed. "NOOOOOOOOOOOO! MY TEMPLE!"  
  
(We give 1 minute of silence in order to lament for all glass windows shattered in Trondor that day *count 60 seconds *.)  
  
"Great job Rei, maybe you could replace Elrond in the Olympendell." Olly commented.  
  
"Would anyone care to explain to me what this is all about?" Aragorn shouted. And all three goddesses turned towards him, and me.  
  
"We need to speak with Aragorn." Alexa said. "There is something divinely important for him to decide on."  
  
"Who him?" I stared.  
  
"Who me?" Aragorn sounded extremely like an elephant.  
  
"Are you Aragorn?" The blond stranger asked.  
  
"At your service" Aragorn grinned, I sourly wonder who would want Aragorn's service.  
  
The blond stranger immediately broke into tears. "Oh Aragorn you HAVE to help me. You see Gimli the god of iron creates me, Legolas, and I am supposed to be the perfect male but the divine lord Elrond said that I needed the most beautiful immortal to become a perfect male and I don't know who to choose from the three goddesses!"  
  
"Choose someone else." Ha, trust Aragorn to turn the perfect male into a perfect playboy. But I must admit Legolas's beauty is overwhelming. Just then I saw three pairs of eyes glaring at the back of Aragorn's neck and pulled him aside.  
  
"I'm afraid that if you say any more the goddesses will burn you for dinner." I whispered. "I guess you must choose from the three because they have too much power." I hoped that my words were simple enough for him to comprehend.  
  
"Why? Who are they?" I fell over then, somebody save me from this idiot! I quickly picked myself up.  
  
"Don't you recognized the three divine goddesses when you see them?" I hoped that he could comprehend this.  
  
"Huh?"  
  
Oh man!  
  
"Aragorn of Trondor, let me introduce you to, the goddess of wisdom and craft, Alexa, the goddess of womanhood, marriage and fertility and Olly."  
  
"Wait, I recognize her, she's the goddess of sex."  
  
I fainted once again.  
  
When I woke up, I saw Aragorn happily chatting away with Legolas and there were already holes in his tunic because of death-glares coming from the three divine goddesses. Unfortunately, Mr. No-muscle, -no nerve- and- no- brains could not feel it.  
  
".So you see, I need to decide and I can't, I mean I really want to be wise and cool just like Rei, or rich and famous like Alexa, or just have a beautiful woman." Aragorn was saying to Legolas, who was smiling very modestly and holding onto Aragorn's arm. "I mean all three sounds so good, why don't you just take all three of them so I could get all three choices?"  
  
I wanted to die right there and right then, so I wouldn't suffer from this embarrassment, I mean what would the divine goddesses think about our country, dumb-dumb land?  
  
"Elrond says that to become a perfect male, you need a perfect woman, he didn't mention anything about money or knowledge."  
  
"Oh, typical male!" Alexa stepped in then, "Don't you how economic-wised is Middle-Mediterranean now? Money is all that counts.  
  
"If you have knowledge you will have the power to make money!" Rei bellowed.  
  
"If you have a woman though," Olly smiled. You won't have to worry about money or power, your wife will think for you."  
  
Aragorn's face lit up. "Now THAT'S something I like, it is decided you three ladies. goddesses I'm sorry, the most beautiful of the goddesses is.. Olly, the goddess of sex!"  
  
I fainted yet again.  
  
  
  
EN Notes: Yo, yo, yo, peeps, this chap is actually pretty old, as to the next two. but I just changed computers so. yeah, don't blame me.  
  
I'm feeing particularly smug at the moment cos I'm tormenting all of my friends, he, he, but I hope you all review anyway cos I'm going to cry if you don't do that, I mean hell ,this story is all about you after all and if you review. Maybe, just maybe, your lives wouldn't turn out that bad.  
  
For other people who are not my friends, I don't care if you think this story suck; but do tell me your opinion if you do think so, so I can improve it. Because if you've already read up to chapter 4 and still haven't reviewed, then maybe it's not me who's the only slack one here. 


	4. Maria's Story

Chapter 3, Maria's story  
  
My father married me to the world's biggest bastard, I concluded as I stared at my husband cleaning his staff, all he ever cares is not love or family, not even me, all he ever thought of was power, power, and power. His straw like white hair was dull and his long jaws reached the ground. To think, my father could choose such a son-in-law.  
  
A maidservant burst through the door. "Your majesties, the prince of Trondor, Aragorn is at the door."  
  
"Let him in." Saruman said, his voice cold as ever, his breath stinking like hell. "He is here to sign the peace treaty." He told me, though he didn't even bother to look at me. I sighed, this is what you get for being beautiful and rich, a husband who loves not you but your money.  
  
I went to retreat to my chambers, but Saruman held out a hand, "My lady, you are to come as well, the Prince of Trondor would be pleased to see you."  
  
I didn't disobey -a decision I would come to regret. For the moment I saw him, my heart was stolen, stolen for his perfect looks and his sparkling eyes. Charmed by his smile, which melted my heart, the instant I saw it.  
  
"My dearest prince, come and sit."  
  
Aragorn was staring directly at me, but he answered in an ordered voice (this is Olly's doing mind you.) "Why thank you your majesty, but I am tired."  
  
"We shall get you a room, come and see my magnificent palace and select any room you like. It's majestic looks would surely overwhelm you, if not, then my wife would. Prince Aragorn of Trondor, I am proud to present to you my lady, the Queen of Isilcynae, Helen of Sparsildor."  
  
I held out my hand and Aragorn kissed it, pulling me close as he did so. "I am already overwhelmed. I have never seen any mortal that have such divine beauty, my Queen, you could compete for looks with Olly and Rei." (Uh. I wouldn't say it's a good idea to say that, you're kind of dead right now, Aragorn.)  
  
I was shot by Cupids arrow (actually, it's quite true, literally and figuratively. um, forget the latter, and just take it literally). Quietly I followed my husband and Aragorn as they inspected the castle, Aragorn said nothing but compliments about our castle, but personally, in front of someone like Saruman, and I don't think anybody dares to say anything else but compliments. (HEY SARUMAN YOU EVIL FAG! YOU WOULDN'T DARE TO HURT ME. AHHHHH!)  
  
(The author is turned into a piece of wood with wooden fingers and thus need 5 minutes to work off the evil magic.)  
  
Five minutes later.  
  
After walking for 1 hour in just one of the 7 palaces Saruman has, we settled Aragorn in a room in the north of the palace (or some place very important). I was about to follow my husband out of the room when I felt a hand on my arm. I turned and was pulled by Aragorn into the room and he locked the door behind him.  
  
Before long I found myself on the bed and underneath Aragorn (guys, especially guys like Aragorn think with their lower endowments remember?) he kissed me but I pushed him away.  
  
"You are attractive and tempting, prince Aragorn, but I prefer to maintain my honor."  
  
"Huh?"  
  
"I prefer to stick to the honorable side of my relationship until we are bonded."  
  
"Ummm..huh?" Aragorn grunted, obviously not having a vocabulary large enough to include words longer than eight letters. Well, he might use words longer than eight letters, but does he understand them? Of course not! (Now THAT is a big problem for a Prince, no exaggeration.)  
  
I was enchanted by his naivety. "I don't sleep with guys that I'm not married to."  
  
"Oh." Aragorn looked so disappointed but he got off me, very reluctantly that is. I straightened my tunic and sat on a chair which he pulled up for me.  
  
"I like you Maria, I think I love you." He says straight out, not holding back. "You are the most beautiful woman I've ever seen. But your beauty reaches beyond your skin, it's the true golden light that shines from within." (Well, I must say, that's some compliment.)  
  
"I am flattered, my prince, but."  
  
"Marriage cannot stop your love for me, my dearest lady. I could see your passion in your eyes." (Young girls love lies therefore not in their heart but in their eyes. ok, I'll shut up) Aragorn took my in both of his, "Listen, for once dear lady, to your heart but not your brains."  
  
"My heart tells me to stay and not go with you."  
  
"Did you say you want to go with me to Trondor? But that's such a good idea!"  
  
"I meant."  
  
"You would still be a queen after my father hands me the crown!" the Prince droned on.  
  
"But."  
  
"Oh this is wonderful my lady, we'll do that, tomorrow morning, I'll set up my sails and go with you." He continued.  
  
"Aragorn, pray, listen to me."  
  
"You are telling me you have to pack? Of course, how could I forget? Well, you must be on your way your majesty, meet me down in the harbor at seven in the morning."  
  
"Aragorn."  
  
He simply kissed me and pushed me out of the room.  
  
That night, I lost sleep. I turned and flipped upon my pillow, thinking of the decision I have to make. Maybe I should forget about the prince, the handsome smile and the charming face, or the voice that turns my heart over and most importantly, his complete devotion to me. No one had paid that much attention to me for the sake of something other than my money. Maybe it is all an infatuation and soon we'll be over each other and move on, I might not even remember him.  
  
But on the other hand, my father condemned me when he married me to this arrogant pig of a husband Saruman, not only is he over 30 years older than me, he never cares about me, we never slept together, in fact, I've never been into his room. I was almost convinced that he slept with that crystal ball of his (Ew, image, image Maria.)  
  
I made up my mind that second, why bother with a bunch of heartless bastards when I have a prince charming beside me? I am going to the harbor next morning, I decided, and, with that thought, I started packing.  
  
  
  
EN Notes- Maria, I officially apologize for marrying you off to someone so distasteful. I hope you can forgive me now. and please review. 


	5. Saruman's Story

Chapter 4 - Saruman's Story  
  
"Master."  
  
"How many times must I tell you not to disturb me while I am looking at the Palantir?" Don't get me wrong, I'm normally very civilized. (Uh let me get back to you on that.)  
  
"I'm sorry master. but this is very urgent."  
  
"Nothing is as urgent to interrupting my Palantir gazing session!" the slave finally retreated. I turned back to gazing into the misty depths of the perfect sphere. My eyes sink in as images emerge from the mists (He's seeing things as per usual).  
  
After a while (5 hours to be exact) I was interrupted by a scandal outside my window, I threw them open and shouted out to the crowd who had crowded around the harbor "Will you shut up!"  
  
(We give a minute mourning for all the eardrums burst by Saruman's voice that day)  
  
(Count 60 seconds)  
  
"My lord," One of the peasants looked up, "the Queen is gone."  
  
The Queen.Maria, my most prized possession, one whom I have traded my favorite Palantir for. is gone? (Ok, that didn't go very well.)  
  
I stormed out of my Palantir gazing room, down the stairs and straight into Maria's room. It was empty, all the trunks were open and all her possessions were gone with it. (Hey, Maria is a smart woman she knows when she needs some money.)  
  
I turn to see the trembling servants and stare at them. Soon all melts into puddles on the ground. (Face it, Saruman's eyes are almost as scary as that fiery one of Sauron.)  
  
I catch up with the servant who had interrupted me earlier. I grab his arm "When was this? What happened? Where have they gone?"  
  
The servant was trembling all over, "M. my lord, t. they've been gone ever s.since this. this morning. I. I was about to tell you but you.. were busy."  
  
"FOOL!" I blasted and pointed my staff at him. Before I could utter a spell however, he melted into a puddle.  
  
Sometimes, my own strength amazes me! (Sometimes your stupidity amazes even I, the author).  
  
I stepped over the puddle and stared at the space where Aragorn had previously secured his ship. Some messenger of peace! (Yeah, I'd say) I stared at the crowd, who shrank back in fear (soon the land which Saruman ruled would turn into human puddle land) and uttered, in my most raspy voice (as if your voice isn't raspy all the time old man. ah I mean. ah.)  
  
(Please kindly wait for 5 minutes until the author can get her hand back in order from all the evil Saruman planted in it)  
  
(Count 300 seconds)  
  
"This is WAR!" (Echo: war, war, war, and war.)  
  
I soon gathered my fellow ruler (say it in an American accent as George W Bush said "evil- doer" and you get the dramatic effect) Boromir and told him what happened.  
  
"Oh, that is most tragic, Saruman." Somehow he sounds very insincere (he's probably laughing with glee in my point of view)  
  
I nodded.  
  
"Oh, but Saruman! You must not let that fiendish little prince get away with this!"  
  
I nodded again. "This is war!" I told him.  
  
"War!" I stared as Boromir's eyes turned into heart shaped things and started drooling all over my new leopard skinned carpet. (Green peace people and author stares with awe). I snapped my fingers in front of his face. He snapped back.  
  
"When? With who?"  
  
I rolled my eyes and pulled my shark-skinned cloak (green-peace people and author's jaws hit the floor). "We're going to declare war against Trondor, and we're doing that as fast as we unite with all the other lords of Isilcynae."  
  
Boromir suddenly landed his gigantic fist on my bear skin covered pinewood desk (green-peace people and author's eyes fall out). "We must gather all the lords at ONCE!"  
  
I nodded, and together we set off to gather forces of Isilcynae in my gold carriage decorated with deer heads and ivory from the best elephants. (Green-peace people flee and author faints with terror.) 


End file.
